As fate would have it, suddenly there's two of them. Both tall, both beautiful, both a bit... insecure? Both, as it seems, attached to me. Unaware that they're sharing me.
Here I am. An imaginary fag hanging out of my gob, I'm neither Bogey nor Bebel. Just a tosser who has to toss one of them at his earliest convenience.
Will act sharp. Look and be sorry. All's fair in love and war.
Or, if my dirty old soul would handle such turn, I could ditch them both and start fresh and clean.
Nonsense, of course, that was just a thought. Sigh. Sigh.
11 January 2009
10 January 2009
Yoshinoya
Dead tired. Silently walking home and buying something to eat along the way. Closing the doors behind me, falling on the sofa. Having a sip of JB, looking at high-rise shadows from the balcony. Music — maybe something very ambient, very eighties. Eno.
Teriyaki chicken, chopsticks, green tea. And snoozing off.
Cannot forget that place, I even remember the click of the doors, the colour of the carpet, the sound of the sofa as I was diving in. Some days are much more difficult than others. And longing, it fills me head to toe.
Teriyaki chicken, chopsticks, green tea. And snoozing off.
Cannot forget that place, I even remember the click of the doors, the colour of the carpet, the sound of the sofa as I was diving in. Some days are much more difficult than others. And longing, it fills me head to toe.
31 December 2008
A ladies' man
You're saying the exact words they want to hear and you're doing it unwittingly. It's spontaneous and unpremeditated — and they love it. You're wooing quietly but surely; before they know they fall for you. I'd do, too, wasn't it for my long-time boyfriend and the fact that you're not attracted to me, right?
I nod hesitantly, perhaps just to be polite; yet she's only half-right. I'm not attracted to her. The rest? There's no better way to put it than Mr Cohen did:
I nod hesitantly, perhaps just to be polite; yet she's only half-right. I'm not attracted to her. The rest? There's no better way to put it than Mr Cohen did:
My reputation
as a Ladies’ Man was a joke
It caused me to laugh bitterly
through the ten thousand nights
I spent alone
15 December 2008
Business partners — part two
A bash. She's sitting next to me again. I knew she would and she knew I would, too. Spent so much time on the phone recently. Yeah, business, nothing more. Usually late at night. Talking about joy, lust and pain business. Pain business, mainly. Hers. She moved out but they haven't split officially. Yet.
He's sitting so close I can't even whisper in her ear. I can touch her though. And message her. And read what she's texting me. And wait and see.
Gathering's over by 2 a.m. He's smashed, disappearing into the night. Off by himself, so is she and so am I.
What is part three going to be about?
He's sitting so close I can't even whisper in her ear. I can touch her though. And message her. And read what she's texting me. And wait and see.
Gathering's over by 2 a.m. He's smashed, disappearing into the night. Off by himself, so is she and so am I.
What is part three going to be about?
17 November 2008
Point break
I won't need these, she says as she rolls down her panties and jumps to a bed next to me. Looking up at my transfixed face, she giggles. It's far from dark, full moon lights up the room, deceiving relics of her modesty. It's the last ever second before I press my lips against hers and leave my tainted misbelief behind.
15 November 2008
Flying low
It's 5 AM. Waking up after a three-hour sleep ain't easy. It's full moon, sharp coldness draws underneath. Teens' washed-out faces greet me along the way to the airport. Some of them are trying to figure out if I'm one of them — but the weekend bag gives me away. Most of them can't be bothered.
Flying is so mechanical, so lifeless, so dull. Exhausting, without being exciting. I'm starving to get from point A to point B in a blink, as a machine, not looking left or right, just passing through crowds and checks as a knife slicing butter, then sleeping on a plane and then crowds and checks again, until I breathe a fine cold air mixed with fumes someplace else. And a bed, I always need a bed afterwards, unless it's already evening and one has to party. Or unless it's morning and one has to work.
Once there were single-serving friends, those are long gone with the dawn of cheap flights; nobody even troubles oneself to pretend they're interested in the fellow in the seat next to them anymore. Nobody talks to anybody; why would they? It looks silly on a bus and more so on a plane now. Hour here, hour there, one can read a paper or dig their nose instead. There's no point to care.
This everlasting nausea is suffocating and torturing, yet one never drowns. It's over in short enough time and there's still flowers blooming outside, Jim Beam flowing and girls making love. And that does it for me as soon as I land. Every time.
Flying is so mechanical, so lifeless, so dull. Exhausting, without being exciting. I'm starving to get from point A to point B in a blink, as a machine, not looking left or right, just passing through crowds and checks as a knife slicing butter, then sleeping on a plane and then crowds and checks again, until I breathe a fine cold air mixed with fumes someplace else. And a bed, I always need a bed afterwards, unless it's already evening and one has to party. Or unless it's morning and one has to work.
Once there were single-serving friends, those are long gone with the dawn of cheap flights; nobody even troubles oneself to pretend they're interested in the fellow in the seat next to them anymore. Nobody talks to anybody; why would they? It looks silly on a bus and more so on a plane now. Hour here, hour there, one can read a paper or dig their nose instead. There's no point to care.
This everlasting nausea is suffocating and torturing, yet one never drowns. It's over in short enough time and there's still flowers blooming outside, Jim Beam flowing and girls making love. And that does it for me as soon as I land. Every time.
03 November 2008
May this be love
She came over to assemble my IKEA furniture. She said she loved doing it and I had no reason to oppose. Seeing she really came over with a toolbox and an electric screwdriver, I got she was serious.
So we built the bookcase, drank wine and watched a movie. Ate olives and talked. Laughed a lot and looked at each other, studying each other's smiles — and doing nothing more. Went sleeping side by side; without a single touch, without a thought of doing so.
And woke up, had breakfast and talked and slept again until late; little bed-in, just her and me, without the world interfering. It wasn't until dusk when we took off and went skating. Came back exhausted and hungry, went eating out and then to her place to watch a TV show. Drank more wine and shared another bed, more wine again and another set of curious looks and surreal smiles.
A night club after midnight, vodka/orange, thank you and thank you again. Night tram home, meaning my home, she put my t-shirt on and laid next to me as if it was the most natural thing in the universe. I'd love to hug her and strike her hair; nevertheless nothing's gonna happen, I won't do a thing. Is it because she's eleven years my junior? Or is it 'cos she's a friend of a friend who told me not to hurt her? Or am I only being pathetic and useless? All of the above?
Another morning and another bed-in till noon. Snoozing, watching movies, listening to music. And skating through the city again. Takeaway dinner and blankets. And a late night movie.
Maybe I should go home now, she says after a forty-eight-hour marathon. I kiss her good-bye and disappear in a second only to talk to her over the messenger within an hour.
It's only been a while — yet I wonder.
So we built the bookcase, drank wine and watched a movie. Ate olives and talked. Laughed a lot and looked at each other, studying each other's smiles — and doing nothing more. Went sleeping side by side; without a single touch, without a thought of doing so.
And woke up, had breakfast and talked and slept again until late; little bed-in, just her and me, without the world interfering. It wasn't until dusk when we took off and went skating. Came back exhausted and hungry, went eating out and then to her place to watch a TV show. Drank more wine and shared another bed, more wine again and another set of curious looks and surreal smiles.
A night club after midnight, vodka/orange, thank you and thank you again. Night tram home, meaning my home, she put my t-shirt on and laid next to me as if it was the most natural thing in the universe. I'd love to hug her and strike her hair; nevertheless nothing's gonna happen, I won't do a thing. Is it because she's eleven years my junior? Or is it 'cos she's a friend of a friend who told me not to hurt her? Or am I only being pathetic and useless? All of the above?
Another morning and another bed-in till noon. Snoozing, watching movies, listening to music. And skating through the city again. Takeaway dinner and blankets. And a late night movie.
Maybe I should go home now, she says after a forty-eight-hour marathon. I kiss her good-bye and disappear in a second only to talk to her over the messenger within an hour.
It's only been a while — yet I wonder.
12 October 2008
Schizophrenia
I woke up next to a beautiful twenty years old witch. She's twenty; twenty! — not even twenty-something. Lovely. I'd do it; yet it takes time. There's rules.
Few hours later, I'm enjoying time with my ex. I really do. Sadness fills me once she's gone. 'Cos I know she's gone. She's gone for good, even though I see her from time to time. I know, I know, I know.
Now, a third one's coming. I'm thinking fuckfest. I'm thinking fuckspree.
In fact, it looks like I'm not thinking at all.
Few hours later, I'm enjoying time with my ex. I really do. Sadness fills me once she's gone. 'Cos I know she's gone. She's gone for good, even though I see her from time to time. I know, I know, I know.
Now, a third one's coming. I'm thinking fuckfest. I'm thinking fuckspree.
In fact, it looks like I'm not thinking at all.
10 October 2008
Touchdown
Another week, another trip. The plane was packed, overhead lockers cramped, people nervous and disturbed. A rainy night. Maybe a bit windy, too. A baby was crying non-stop through the flight. Attendants were looking at each other, slightly strained. Nothing much happened but for few roller coaster dives. Air turbulence, they call it. Free-falling for a mere second here and there.
I stared in front of me, dumbstruck, somehow knowing it's all cool and safe, yet masochistically hoping for at least a crash landing.
Can't recall such a soft touchdown in ages. People were clapping and cheering when we landed.
Got wasted as soon as I got off the plane.
These two stories are totally unrelated, of course.
I stared in front of me, dumbstruck, somehow knowing it's all cool and safe, yet masochistically hoping for at least a crash landing.
Can't recall such a soft touchdown in ages. People were clapping and cheering when we landed.
Got wasted as soon as I got off the plane.
These two stories are totally unrelated, of course.
28 September 2008
In a fog
Days of hiking in the mountains and making love to my companion did not clear my head at all. What's wrong with you, I'm being asked at a dinner, repeatedly, always. Nothing's wrong, I answer, unable to come up with a more appropriate and articulate answer. I'm blank. It lingers atrociously but I won't tell.
Kissing her good-bye meant to be a sort of a relief. Meant, nevertheless was not. She's gone and I have plenty more time to spare. A blonde feels like talking to me on a train. I don't feel like talking to anybody. She gives up after few sentences. God bless her.
Sleeping till midday, then flipping through TV channels over and over and lifelessly turning pages in a newspaper. Day after day.
Trying to party only to find myself somehow hanging in a vacuum. Smoking pot does not move me a single yard forward. I want to go. Splitting.
Back on a plane, I'm glad it's over. Perhaps I need a busy schedule, strict time management and no gaps left to reflect. Or maybe I should go look for a different continent — until I find a spring one.
Kissing her good-bye meant to be a sort of a relief. Meant, nevertheless was not. She's gone and I have plenty more time to spare. A blonde feels like talking to me on a train. I don't feel like talking to anybody. She gives up after few sentences. God bless her.
Sleeping till midday, then flipping through TV channels over and over and lifelessly turning pages in a newspaper. Day after day.
Trying to party only to find myself somehow hanging in a vacuum. Smoking pot does not move me a single yard forward. I want to go. Splitting.
Back on a plane, I'm glad it's over. Perhaps I need a busy schedule, strict time management and no gaps left to reflect. Or maybe I should go look for a different continent — until I find a spring one.
25 September 2008
Business partners
A bash. I'm sitting next to her and she talks. Sings in two bands. Have lived in this city for ten years. She's from there. Loves it here. Enjoys writing lyrics. Enjoys playing piano. Would love to have more time. Her boyfriend? Boring, plain. Yeah, still a boyfriend.
He's sitting at the other side of the table, cannot hear or see anything. I'm touching her; she lets me. Undoing her bra in a blink. She's shocked, yet not upset. Caressing her back, holding her hand, stroking her. She's melting, looking at me trying to figure out what's going on. If I knew! She kisses me a bit deeper than common as we leave, nothing more, nothing less.
I'm looking forward to the next business meeting.
He's sitting at the other side of the table, cannot hear or see anything. I'm touching her; she lets me. Undoing her bra in a blink. She's shocked, yet not upset. Caressing her back, holding her hand, stroking her. She's melting, looking at me trying to figure out what's going on. If I knew! She kisses me a bit deeper than common as we leave, nothing more, nothing less.
I'm looking forward to the next business meeting.
04 September 2008
SFA
Gypsy music is flowing through the place while I'm lying stark naked over my bed, watching the azure skies above my head. Enjoying solitude and music. And a seemingly meaningless moment. They said the summer would soon be over. So what? Should I go out to relish disappearing rays that can be gone in few weeks?
I don't know.
Eating out with a chick who could be great, wouldn't it be for her lighting one after another. And talking non stop without listening. And getting smashed at any occasion as if there was no tomorrow. Being about my age, it obviously takes her a bit longer to recover. So there is usually no tomorrow, one may say.
Whatever. I shouldn't mind. She's gonna be gone to Nepal in few months. And by the time I come over (if ever), she's gonna be someplace else again.
I just felt like whinging today.
Anyway, the weather is great.
I don't know.
Eating out with a chick who could be great, wouldn't it be for her lighting one after another. And talking non stop without listening. And getting smashed at any occasion as if there was no tomorrow. Being about my age, it obviously takes her a bit longer to recover. So there is usually no tomorrow, one may say.
Whatever. I shouldn't mind. She's gonna be gone to Nepal in few months. And by the time I come over (if ever), she's gonna be someplace else again.
I just felt like whinging today.
Anyway, the weather is great.
31 August 2008
One nation under CCTV
Walked from the Charing Cross, down Oxford St the other day. One of those days when one has nothing better to do but observe. Wonder. Enjoy. Absorb.
Looked right to Newman St; an inconspicuous back street. There's a post office yard with Banksy's writing on the wall. The funniest part is the CCTV camera just next to the graffiti watching the yard. Clever.
18 August 2008
Paused
Woke up late. Certainly, 10 am ain't a great time to start a productive day. Had muesli with yoghurt for breakfast. And did nothing more. Hanged out in the pad, listened to Queen, browsed the net, just drinking lemonade, eating chocolate and basically bludging.
Thought about writing an article or two on different issues and looked into some work, too. And snoozed off. And then cleared some files of a hard drive and added album or two to iTunes. Had a shower and ate a schnitzel — to simulate the lunch, I guess.
And snoozed off. And listened to more music. Looked out of window and wondered if to go out or stay in. Stayed in. Read the papers, wrote few emails.
I need days like this from time to time. To clear the head, to recharge, to breathe out. Monday will be hectic again, I know, so thanks for a day off. I'm only readying the adrenaline for the ride.
Thought about writing an article or two on different issues and looked into some work, too. And snoozed off. And then cleared some files of a hard drive and added album or two to iTunes. Had a shower and ate a schnitzel — to simulate the lunch, I guess.
And snoozed off. And listened to more music. Looked out of window and wondered if to go out or stay in. Stayed in. Read the papers, wrote few emails.
I need days like this from time to time. To clear the head, to recharge, to breathe out. Monday will be hectic again, I know, so thanks for a day off. I'm only readying the adrenaline for the ride.
10 August 2008
Plans
We were driving to the train station and I asked what about plans for the next weekend, forgetting to mention the airline ticket I booked to London. And I was leisurely told that Saturday would be fine. Maybe. Now, I have to employ my best educated guess to figure it out. Of course, I'll be smarter by Friday, however let me bet Saturday will be fine.
Meaning, I will happily come over to keep company to a great guy who enjoys music, cartoons, cycling and trains. And hanging out. And who's funny and tireless.
London will be rainy by then anyway and fresh air of a rural town is far healthier than the big smoke. Plus the priorities are clear.
So much for the plans.
Meaning, I will happily come over to keep company to a great guy who enjoys music, cartoons, cycling and trains. And hanging out. And who's funny and tireless.
London will be rainy by then anyway and fresh air of a rural town is far healthier than the big smoke. Plus the priorities are clear.
So much for the plans.
07 August 2008
Different associations
One can associate movies with certain feelings or they have a tune that can help them turn back time. Or there's a scent that is unique and brings back memories. It can be a place, it can an object, it can be more or less anything.
And I've just realised there's one thing that makes me think of my Sydney. It's called Jim Beam.
Please refrain from calling me pathetic, I know. No more needs to be said.
And I've just realised there's one thing that makes me think of my Sydney. It's called Jim Beam.
Please refrain from calling me pathetic, I know. No more needs to be said.
05 August 2008
Nineteen again
Taking her for a dinner and it goes on a bit longer than expected. Having a laugh, a small laugh really, perhaps to hide a feeble uneasiness; a mix of anxiety and excitement, something one can feel when they see their ex after a long time and they get along. To a degree, 'course.
I'm seeing her off, remembering the way and remembering the details. I'm some ten years older, meaning so is she, nevertheless those years are non-existent tonight. The warmth of the moment?
Maybe I'm only re-living the experience that never happened.
Here we are. She's almost gone. And then she lingers, turning in the door, coming back and kissing me good night. Yet it takes a split second longer than proper. Does she know? I certainly do.
And then — one can feel a gentle trace of hesitance — or rather a fight between her senses and consciousness — running through her face in a flash, taking a mere heartbeat.
And I am in, the door bangs behind us, unnecessary clothing is flying through the hall. And I'm nineteen again.
Wake up, wake up, wake up! Beware! Such things are reserved for dreaming.
I'm seeing her off, remembering the way and remembering the details. I'm some ten years older, meaning so is she, nevertheless those years are non-existent tonight. The warmth of the moment?
Maybe I'm only re-living the experience that never happened.
Here we are. She's almost gone. And then she lingers, turning in the door, coming back and kissing me good night. Yet it takes a split second longer than proper. Does she know? I certainly do.
And then — one can feel a gentle trace of hesitance — or rather a fight between her senses and consciousness — running through her face in a flash, taking a mere heartbeat.
And I am in, the door bangs behind us, unnecessary clothing is flying through the hall. And I'm nineteen again.
Wake up, wake up, wake up! Beware! Such things are reserved for dreaming.
13 July 2008
Adagio sostenuto
It's early evening and it's quietly raining outside, making atmosphere gracefully tranquil. I'm on the bring of falling asleep. Worn, yet not dismantled. Just a night that was a bit longer than necessary. And litres of mojito; they seemed never-ending. It felt good. It was.
Few strokes in the swimming pool again, nude and beaming, halfway through the night. Refreshing and redeeming. As were two beautiful babes around me. None of them to be charmed, though. Nevermind? I do. 'Cos I wouldn't mind.
Switching down the engines after 2 am. I could go on, of course, the only thing needed was to step aside for a second and blow. And come back with a vengeance. I decided not to. Maybe some other night and maybe not at all. I'm broken enough 24 hours later anyway.
Listening to Rachmaninov does it for me on the days like this.
Few strokes in the swimming pool again, nude and beaming, halfway through the night. Refreshing and redeeming. As were two beautiful babes around me. None of them to be charmed, though. Nevermind? I do. 'Cos I wouldn't mind.
Switching down the engines after 2 am. I could go on, of course, the only thing needed was to step aside for a second and blow. And come back with a vengeance. I decided not to. Maybe some other night and maybe not at all. I'm broken enough 24 hours later anyway.
Listening to Rachmaninov does it for me on the days like this.
30 June 2008
A udallesque one
Sunday was asking for a chill outside. I thought about flicking through the phone for a second, deciding to stick with myself. Jumped on a train and went down to a river bank. Then walked back few stations before catching another train to return.
Met a young bloke along the way who was asking where he was and how to get to a river. Ten minutes later, he asked me how to get somewhere where he presumably lived. And then we walked together for a while.
He said he was eighteen. He said he had a girlfriend, not a proper one, just to have one. He said he didn't go to school anymore, he found it boring. He said he worked but he didn't like it 'cos he wasn't getting paid enough. He said he could work as a mechanic, yet he never went to get any training. And he asked if I knew about a good place to share as his housemates were pissing him off.
That brief encounter left me feel good about myself (almost udallesque feeling). I may be stumbling and taking wrong turns and stopping where I shouldn't or driving too fast. I sometimes wonder if to go left or right or even if to go back a little and then decide once again.
Nevertheless, I still keep going and keep holding the general direction, however winding it may be.
And considering that little chat today, it really makes me feel good about myself.
Met a young bloke along the way who was asking where he was and how to get to a river. Ten minutes later, he asked me how to get somewhere where he presumably lived. And then we walked together for a while.
He said he was eighteen. He said he had a girlfriend, not a proper one, just to have one. He said he didn't go to school anymore, he found it boring. He said he worked but he didn't like it 'cos he wasn't getting paid enough. He said he could work as a mechanic, yet he never went to get any training. And he asked if I knew about a good place to share as his housemates were pissing him off.
That brief encounter left me feel good about myself (almost udallesque feeling). I may be stumbling and taking wrong turns and stopping where I shouldn't or driving too fast. I sometimes wonder if to go left or right or even if to go back a little and then decide once again.
Nevertheless, I still keep going and keep holding the general direction, however winding it may be.
And considering that little chat today, it really makes me feel good about myself.
29 June 2008
Cold turkey
Sitting in the back of a car, looking out of the window. Half brain dead, seemingly perfectly alright. Party speedball of vodka Red Bull is slowly wearing off. Another sleepless night. Sweating just slightly, few strokes in the pool half an hour earlier are helping. Shivering a lot, though. Heartbeat still through the roof.
Coming home and suddenly — the place is empty. I've had somebody around for last two weeks, non-stop. Now I'm alone. Feels great and scary at the same time.
Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, hiding from persistent sun and intrusive phone calls. No, I'm not gonna go anywhere today, forget it. No, don't come. Not today. Switching that bloody thing off. About time.
My eyes are wide open and I'm dreaming.
Jekyll and Hyde scenario cannot work forever. I don't want the latter one to prevail. Yet I don't want the former to take over completely either. Or do I? Or should I?
Coming home and suddenly — the place is empty. I've had somebody around for last two weeks, non-stop. Now I'm alone. Feels great and scary at the same time.
Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, hiding from persistent sun and intrusive phone calls. No, I'm not gonna go anywhere today, forget it. No, don't come. Not today. Switching that bloody thing off. About time.
My eyes are wide open and I'm dreaming.
Jekyll and Hyde scenario cannot work forever. I don't want the latter one to prevail. Yet I don't want the former to take over completely either. Or do I? Or should I?
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